(December 2002)
Many of our European allies have misunderstood our goal in Iraq, believing that, if the weapons inspections turn up no weapons of mass destruction (WOMDs), the rationale for war will have been eliminated. This is not the case. We Americans feel that, for war to be averted, Iraq must prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there are no WOMDs in Iraq. Given the size of Iraq, and the logical impossibility of proving a negative, the effort required will no doubt prove substantial. At present, the inspection effort is concentrated primarily on industrial facilities and areas previously known to house WOMDs. I believe this to be too conservative, and would like to propose the following stepwise approach:
Step One: Investigate all non-industrial (i.e., residential) building interiors. Investigate every room of every Iraqi home and apartment. Do not exempt restrooms. Also, look in the top part of closets, where blankets are normally kept. For those homes which have refrigerators, look in the refrigerators, not neglecting, if they have them, those little drawers labeled "Fruit," and "Dairy" and so on. Also check the freezer. Also pull out the refrigerator and look behind there. If the family has a dog or cat, do not neglect the possibility that a WOMD is being concealed on the pet, perhaps strapped to the underside of the pet, or, if a small WOMD, tucked beneath the pet's collar. Inspect every Iraqi, via x-ray machine, to ensure that he or she is not concealing a WOMD within his or her person.
Step Two : Investigate all outdoor non-building vicinities (NBVs). NBVs to be investigated should include streets, sidewalks, alleys, parks, meadows, gardens (fruit and flower), valleys, ravines, canyons, mountains (sides and peaks), deserts, and plains. In the case of large rocks, leave no stone unturned. In the case of open fields, it is suggested that the inspectors join hands and traverse the field, carefully inspecting the area immediately in front of their feet. In the case of rivers or lakes, drain the river or lake, then repeat the procedure for open field, above.
Step Three: Once all NBVs have been inspected, the difficult portion of the inspection procedure will begin. Since it is not out of the question that WOMDs have been concealed in secret underground storage facilities, it will be necessary to extend the inspection to include all underground areas, i.e., it will be necessary to excavate the nation of Iraq. In order to determine the depth to which the exploratory excavation should extend, it will be necessary to determine the depth of the deepest existing Iraqi well, basement, subway excavation, etc, i.e., to determine the deepest depth to which the Iraqis have previously gone, to ensure that our excavation will go even deeper than this "Deepest Iraqi Depth" (DID).
Iraq is a large country, and therefore this excavation is expected to generate significant quantities of dirt. Here is where the cooperation of our allies will be essential. It is recommended that each of our allies (i.e., each Cooperating Nation) volunteer to allow itself it be covered by a thin layer of Iraq, until such time as the Inspection Excavation is complete. There are two possible ways to proceed. The first is to allocate each Cooperating Nation an amount of Iraq proportional to the square footage of that Cooperating Nation, with more expansive nations being assigned proportionally larger amounts of Iraq. In this way, the Depth of Iraq (DOI) will be consistent from nation to nation. A second, and perhaps more equitable approach, is to give every Cooperating Nation, regardless of its surface area, the same amount of Iraq. The advantage of this approach is that each Cooperating Nation would thus bear an equal burden, thus proving an equal commitment to freedom. The disadvantage of this approach is that smaller Cooperating Nations (Belgium, Sweden, etc) will find themselves buried much deeper in Iraq than will larger nations, making it difficult to conduct day-to-day business, since many public places (banks, groceries, etc) will essentially be buried beneath several feet of Iraq; this may prove especially problematic in Japan, given the diminutive stature of the Japanese people.
An alternative approach, one that would spare our Cooperating Nations the burden of being wholly or partially buried beneath Iraq, would be to require that non-allied nations, that is, nations which have indicated, via resistance to our efforts, that they are not friends of freedom (i.e., Non-Cooperating Nations), bear the full burden of being buried beneath Iraq. Should this approach be chosen, it may be worthwhile to adjust the amount of Iraq to be borne by each Non-Cooperating Nation, according to the extent to which the Non-Cooperating Nation has been non-cooperative (i.e., extremely non-cooperative nations, such as North Korea, would be buried more deeply in Iraq).
It is recommended that, during the excavation, the residents of the western half of Iraq be required to stand on the eastern half of Iraq, looking down at the western half of Iraq. This will prove beneficial should WOMDs be found beneath the western half of Iraq, as the Iraqi people will thus come to understand the importance and justifiability of the inspection process. Should WOMDs not be found in the western half, it is recommended that the Iraqi people be reminded that WOMDs may yet be found under the eastern half. When the western half has been totally excavated, the process would be reversed; the western half of Iraq would be backfilled, and the people of the eastern half of Iraq would join the people of the western half of Iraq on the western half of Iraq, looking down at the eastern half as it is excavated.
As to the question of the disposition of domiciles during the excavation process, it is recommended that, prior to the beginning of excavation, all of the Iraqi houses (sans the Iraqi people) be airlifted out to sea, and temporarily relocated on to American aircraft carriers where, as a goodwill gesture, American naval personnel will repaint the houses and equip them with modern conveniences, such as dishwashers, televisions, and special "listening devices," that may prove useful in the future, to determine if WOMDs are being brought back into the home. Following the complete investigation of the underground area, it is recommended that all excavated dirt be sifted, to detect very small WOMDs.
Following the sifting process, it is recommended that Iraq be backfilled. Following backfilling, it is recommended that the Iraqi homes be re-situated, as nearly as possible, in their previous locations.
At this time, if WOMDs have been found, thus constituting a material breach of the United Nations accords, it is recommended that Iraq be invaded.
If, at this time, no WOMDs have been found, indicating a continuation of the Iraqi pattern of deception and evasion, thus constituting a material breach of the United Nations accords, it is recommended that Iraq be invaded.
