A previously unpublished essay by George Saunders.
As a civilian appointee to the Celebrity Monitoring Division (CMD) of the Office of Homeland Security, I was very pleased with Diane Sawyer's recent interview with the Dixie Chicks, which set a very high bar indeed for future Celebrity Interrogations. Though Ms Sawyer was thorough and incisive as she enacted the Three Necessary Redemptive Steps (i.e., Clarifying the initial Non-Patriotic Statement; requesting Repentance; and verifying True Contrition), I couldn't help wondering about those "regular citizens" who may have lost their way, but are not fortunate enough to have Ms Sawyer in their homes, walking them through the Redemptive Steps. Therefore I have assembled the following Non-Celebrity Loyalty Checklist (NCLC), to help these individuals assess the state of their Patriotism. (It is recommended that these questions be administered verbally by a CMD field worker, to all Household Member over ten years of age. Responses should be recorded on the NCLC Form, attached):
1) Do you despise the Dixie Chicks, because that one girl, the singer, said that thing, that thing about our President, that Thing Which Cannot Be Repeated (TWCBR)?
2) Do you promise that, in the future, if that one girl, the singer (the one with the beautiful uplifting voice that tends to give one the chills, especially in the slow ballads) ever again utters the TWCBR, or anything vaguely like the TWCBR (i.e., anything not on the list of Agreed Patriotic Statements), you will instantly and completely despise the Dixie Chicks so viscerally that you will proceed directly into the street, miming the motions of crushing one of their CDs beneath your feet, since presumably you have already actually crushed their actual CDs, the ones you have listened to over and over with great pleasure, prior to their treason, beneath your feet?
3) Do you furthermore promise that, should you ever hear anyone say anything about how talented and pretty and cutely rebellious the Dixie Chicks are (including, but not limited to, such statements as: "They sure look sexy when they start kicking ass on those fiddles on the fast numbers" or "It's true, I did used to like to try and hit those high harmonies with them when driving alone in my car, back when I was still misguided,") you will at once alert the CMB of the identity and whereabout of said individual, after first giving said individual a stern disapproving look and attempting to ascertain if said individual does indeed Support Our Troops, even if said individual is a close family member or spouse?
4) Do you furthermore promise that, should you suddenly find yourself humming a Dixie Chicks song (such as, for example, "Cowboy, Take Me Away," with its dangerously and traitorously infectious chorus) you will instantly begin whipping yourself with a dish towel while singing, at the top of your lungs, "When You Talk About My Country, You Better Shut Your Mouth," by Jimmy Duck and the Right Wings (a Congressionally-Approved Band of Choice), until such time as your symptoms abate? And that, if your symptoms do not abate, and you, for example, suddenly segue into, say, "Sin Wagon," you will at once alert the CMB of your identity and whereabouts, after first giving yourself a stern disapproving look in the mirror, while asking yourself if you truly Support Our Troops?
5) Do you furthermore promise to closely monitor yourself while listening to other country and/or bluegrass music, alert to the very real possibility that the sound of banjos and/or fiddles and/or dobros played fluidly and with great joy may inadvertantly fill you with longing for the old days in your car when you drove with the windows open trying to hit the high harmonies, imagining yourself sharing a mic with the girl with the beautiful uplifting etc etc, as the wild American landscape flew by outside, and the three (at this point untraitorous) beautiful virtuosii played with such wild abandon that they produced a sort of aural equivalent of the mountains, streams, trailer houses, langourous housewives, placid houndogs at that moment, flying by? Should you note any such tendencies in yourself, do you promise to pull over to the roadside, alert the CMB of your identity and whereabouts via cellphone, while giving yourself a stern disapproving look in the rearview mirror, while asking yourself if this sort of behavior really constitutes Support For Our Troops?
6) Do you furthermore promise that, should any other Celebrity utter anything that mimics, evokes, echoes, or in any way appears to support or uphold the TWCBR (including, but not limited to such statements as: "Jeez, whatever happened to that thing about, you know, I may not agree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it?"), you will instantly and without thinking about it despise said Celebrity every bit as much as you despise the Dixie Chicks, if not more, depending on the severity of the bad thing they said, and that you will crush and/or burn any CDs, DVDs, books, etc, which they have produced, in which they are mentioned, or which (if possible to ascertain) they themselves might like/admire/enjoy?
Upon completing the Checklist, if the interviewed party has answered Yes to all of the above, and if you are convinced of the party's Reasonable Sincerity (see Federal Guidance Document 468392 for procedures), you may conduct the room-to-room search for Questionable Artistic Materials, after which you may proceed to the next home. If the interviewed party answers No to any of the above, or appears Insincere, alert the CMB at once.
In difficult times like these, a systematic approach is key to truly enacting goodness. It is hoped that implementation of this simple procedure will prove useful in eliminating the destructive critical tendencies embodied by the Dixie Chicks and their ilk, as we continue to let freedom ring, with liberty and justice, once and for all.
