The Big Durn Flood (In “Pastoralia,” a fake river flows by the cave — this outtake, which appeared later in Conjunctions, describes a periodic and intentional flooding of this river and the elaborate means Corporate takes to ensure that no one is hurt.) I wake to a loud sudden rushing and dash to the place where the heads poke in. It’s the Big Durn Flood. The river has widened to cover the footpath, the air smells like mist, jade-colored frothy water rushes past the dwarf pine in front of our cave, carrying along various pieces of pioneer furniture and part of a covered wagon, but not to worry, all will be recovered in the huge yellow net that covers the big mouthlike sucking thing into which the floodwater eventually drains. The Pioneer Settlement is no more, for now, the parts that break away have broken away, the parts that unhinge with a loud terrifying prerecorded crack etc etc have done so, but will all be rehinged this afternoon by a Grounds Team, the little boy and his dog have already been separated forever with heart-rending cries etc etc, I can still hear dimly his little taped voice begging the dog to go for help and the dog yipping pathetically back as it elongates its heroic little body in sudden flight etc etc, the three pretty girls in long dresses have already tried lugging their Sick Pa on a gurney past the Crowded Saloon, from which Good-Hearted Drunkards pour out to help inefficiently, urged on by shouts of encouragement from the Viewing Area, which is high up, above the flood, made of rustic board, aged in Aging so as not to stick out like a sore thumb. No more (as of June) are the expert high school swimmers we hired to simulate drowners allowed to cling to the bleachers pleading for help, no, that was judged too disturbing to watch, now the drowners are required to glide by the Viewing Area soundlessly, smiling and waving. All along the river (labeled, at different places along its length, the Missouri, the Wolf, the Hudson, the Penobscot, the Colorado, the Thames, Little Crik, Blindy’s Slough, and, where it goes wide, Lake Champlain) Corporate Health-and-Safety guys in bright yellow are hustling along the banks distributing Health-and-Safety Plans to anyone they see. Anyone they see is judged de facto to be in possible danger, and so must be given a Health-and-Safety Plan. And anyone who is given a Health-and-Safety Plan is required to read it. So anyone who has to be on the path is averting his or her eyes from the guys in yellow, who doggedly pursue them anyway and jump in front of them and then say ah ha you saw me! or I saw you seeing me! and force a Health-and-Safety Plan into their hands and take down their Employee Number all good-natured and so forth, as if pulling a prank, but what’s not a prank is that the poor bastard then has to find a high place to sit and read the whole entire damn Health-and-Safety Plan cover-to-cover, and take a quiz after. Which is exactly what happens to me when I step outside to take a look at the surging angry majesty of the mighty etc etc etc. I recognize the Health-and-Safety guy from the cafeteria. He’s hard to describe. There’s nothing much notable about him. Maybe his mouth is a little wide. His face has a kind of glaze, is if basted. He looks sort of dumb. To be funny, because of my garb, he speaks a sort of deliberate pidgin. “You take,” he says. “You read big wampum.” I gesture, as if to say: Just stepped out for a sec, going right back in. “It no matter,” he says. “You saw me, me saw you. Am still. Still seeing you. Ha ha! You take! Take book! It no bite!” I take the Plan. I gesture: I’ll read it in the cave. “No good,” he says. “You read, me watch. That only way. It no take long, it short, it short Plan, we use plenty tables and charts. You read. Me watch. Or me get big mad.” But of course he’s smiling like crazy with that big wide mouth. “Seriously,” he says. “Got to do it. Sorry for the trouble, but rules are rules and all.” I’m nowhere near the river, not really, and it’s already started receding, the floodwater’s already being processed far beneath us, the pioneer articles are being extracted with grappling hooks from the yellow netting, the flatbeds on which the pioneer articles will be driven back to the Settlement are already lined up and idling, the little robotic waterproof dog is being power-dried, but the glaze-faced guy puts his fingers in his ears, indicating he’s argued enough, and I give up and sit down and start reading. Skimming really. What I learn is that the Primary Hazard associated with the Durn Big Flood, due to the increased amount of water, is water-related danger. The Primary Health Concern associated with this Primary Hazard is drowning. The best way to mitigate the the Primary Health Concern, drowning, is to avoid water. The Fundamental Method of avoiding water is to stay away from it. Some effective ways of staying away from it include 1) going up somewhere high when some is suddenly seen, 2) living far from water, or 3) moving very quickly away from any large bodies of water one encounters. However, there are cases where one can not go up somewhere high or live far from water or run away from a large body of water, and, in these cases, recommended management approaches include 1) reviewing the Swimming Principles, 2) wearing an approved flotation device, such as a floatie, or 3) being inside or on top of a larger more permanent flotation device, such as a boat or raft. Each of these, however, present associated indirect risks which must be considered (i.e., Secondary Hazards). When reviewing the Swimming Principles, one most be sure to review them correctly. When wearing a flotation device or floatie, these must be worn properly, do not wear them backwards for a joke. When riding in or on a boat or raft, a related Secondary Hazard is falling off the boat. The Primary Health Concern associated with this Secondary Hazard is, again, drowning, drowning due to water, and, as such, the primary method of avoiding this Secondary Hazard is, again, avoiding water, in the three ways previously mentioned, but since, having fallen off a boat, it is very difficult to avoid water, unless the boat was not in water to begin with, but was perhaps being towed behind a car, one should then resort to a flotation device (floatie) which should be worn always, even when on a boat that is not in water. When riding in a boat that is not in water, one should be always on the lookout for water, and if any is sighted, one should begin mentally reviewing one’s Swimming Principles, while checking to ensure that one’s floatie is not on backwards, and calling out, to the driver of the car towing the boat, that water is near. Other hazards, Tertiary Hazards, are then discussed. Some people become unduly frightened of floods and race away in their cars, only to sustain Accidents. Some people with pre-existing conditions aggravate these conditions, such as heart attacks, by worrying too much about floods when far from water. One should always keep a reasonable perspective on water, and not be excessively afraid of it, especially if none is near, because, after all, it is what we drink. In fact, it is what we are made of! Why should we be afraid of what we are made of? Then again, one should never drink floodwater, because, in a flood, sewers back up, not to mention dead animals float by, presenting Bacterial Danger, since we are not made of either feces composite or dead floating animals. In addition to not drinking floodwater, one should not linger in floodwater, even with one’s mouth entirely closed, because bacterial floodwater can enter other orifices and, also, sharp objects may enter the waterway and pass at a high rate of speed, presenting a possible stabbing danger. The primary method of avoiding stabbing danger during floods is, again, to avoid water, or, if one absolutely must swim during a flood, wearing a thick heavy metallic vest. Should one be stabbed during a flood, avoid getting floodwater into the wound, because of the bacteria mentioned above. If you are not wearing your thick metallic vest while swimming with your mouth closed very tight, and are stabbed by something floating by quickly, attempt to bound rapidly out of the water and rush with one’s wound to the nearest non-submerged medical facility. At the back of the Plan is a quiz. A river which is near to you is rising, says the first question. You notice that, in that river, is a small child you know who appears to be drowning. What should you do? 1) Rush in with your mouth open before having reviewed the Swimming Principles, 2) Rush in with your mouth entirely closed, wearing a metallic vest, before having reviewed the Swimming Principles, 3) Review the Swimming Principles, don a metallic vest, keep your mouth entirely closed, even though you have a heart condition, and rush in, or 4) Don a metallic vest and stand far far away from the shore, shouting out the Swimming Principles while staying very calm, especially if you have a heart condition. And: You are on a boat which is being towed to the river. The boat comes to a sudden stop and you are thrown to the pavement and sustain a contusion, ruining your floatie. Your friend who is driving the car tells you to get back on the boat at once. What do you then do? 1) Show your friend your contusion, 2) Show your friend your contusion and your ruined floatie, 3) Show your friend your contusion and your ruined floatie and ask why you cannot ride in the car with him, or 4) Show him neither your contusion nor your floatie, but just get back on the boat like he said, yelling out whenever you sight water. I rip through it. It doesn’t matter what you get. They grade on effort. They never flunk you, unless you don’t try. If, for example, you refuse to take the test, they flunk you. If you only pretend to read the Plan, they flunk you. Actually they don’t mind if you only pretend to read the Plan, as long as you do it in a convincing way, a way that doesn’t compromise their judgement that you have read it. If you earnestly pretend to read it, that’s good enough, they won’t flunk you. They Team Grade, to avoid errors. My guy calls over a second guy, a tall thin second guy whose yellow pants are too short, and tells him how impressively earnest I looked while skimming the Plan. “Did he get any right?” says the tall thin guy. There are little red blips on his ankles. I’m sitting, he’s standing, so I have a good view of his ankles. There are hairs growing out of the blips. “He got three right,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “Three out of twelve.” “Well some of them are pretty hard,” says the tall thin guy. “Did he put forth a good effort though?” “He really did,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “How can you tell?” says the tall thin guy. “Well,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “When he was answering? His tongue was sticking out of his mouth.” “So he was really concentrating?” says the tall thin guy. “Seemed to be,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “He really seemed to be concentrating?” says the tall thin guy. “Yes he did,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “So you want to pass him?” says the tall thin guy. “Sure,” says the guy with the big wide mouth. “Unless you don’t.” “No, I guess I do,” says the tall thin guy. “I just hope we’re not making a big mistake.” “Do you think we are?” says the guy with the wide mouth. “Maybe we should have him read it again. Or maybe we should flunk him. I sure don’t know the right thing to do.” “ Maybe we should take a picture of him pretending to read it earnestly,” says the tall thin guy. “For our records. That way, if he someday drowns, and they come back to us, claiming he didn’t read it, we’ll show them that tongue sticking out and all.” “Sounds good,” says the guy with the wide mouth. They hand me back the Plan and I pretend to be reading it. The tall thin guy takes a photo. The guy with the big wide mouth signs my quiz and the tall thin guy signs over the top of the wide-mouthed guy’s signature, to show that he concurs that I made a good effort to pass the test I flunked. “Why don’t you clowns get a life?” Janet shouts from the head-poking place. “Janet!” says the guy with the wide mouth. “Hey, Janet!” shouts the tall thin guy. They poke their heads in the place where the heads poke in and have a nice long chat with Janet. Janet knows some people they know. Janet has beer in her Separate Area. Do they want one? They do but they don’t. They’re working, plus they’re working the Big Durn Flood, and although they both know the Flood is over and that the Flood isn’t all that dangerous anyway, they wouldn’t want it to look as if they were drunk on the day of the Flood, the most dangerous day of the week, and so no thanks, no beer. But they do have some mints and they do sing some songs while Janet takes turns sitting on their laps in a friendly way, and they do show her pictures of their kids, wives, lawns, dogs, etc etc and it’s all very friendly and boy do they seem to like her. Derek, the tall thin one, smells of radishes in plastic bags. He knows an awful lot about roofs, and roofing, because his father was a roofer, but then, when it was time for Derek to start roofing, his father fell off a roof, and because he was not on the roof in the line of duty, but was on the roof of a friend, just to be nice, the insurance wouldn’t pay, and the company was lost. You get the feeling that Derek feel that years and years of roofing know-how are being profoundly wasted, and that this makes him angry and also makes him somehow glad. Andy, the guy with the wide mouth, on the other hand, had no father, and his mother was rarely home, and his dominant idea is that he is very chipper, more chipper than most, which gives him a real advantage, not that he’s gloating, because the kind of chipper person he imagines himself being never gloats, but only inclines his head sympathetically and tries to think of ways to be better and kinder. Also he has very tan legs. The river’s completely normal now and the sun’s going down nicely as the feeding things come back down from the hills, looking around sort of curiously. Then it’s five and I join them and speak English with them and they have a beer, but I don’t, because even after five, beer is verboten in the cave. Then there’s more singing, very heartfelt, and stories about who wanted to be what when they were young, and how they failed, and why in spite of their failure to be what they wanted they still feel okay about themselves, and then Derek steps out of the cave and makes a call, and pretty soon people from all around start trickling in, then streaming in, Janet makes a big fire, someone has marshmallows, someone has Scotch, a couple dressed like squaredancers are soon making out in the corner, some guys dressed like possibly nomads are leg wrestling, Mr Danube, older than all of us, proprietor of an old English store, steps lightly in and greets us all with some kind of antique toast and turns up his heel and starts delicately dancing to a boombox someone has put in front of the door to my Separate Area, and soon everyone, and I mean everyone, but me is sloshed. Many crises unfold. Someone is alleged to have hooked someone else on purpose with a shepherd’s staff. Janet intervenes. There is some dispute over the plural form of “radius.” Janet intervenes, asking who the hell gives a shit. I step over the boombox and go into my Separate Area and put on my footies. I fill out my Daily Partner Performance Evaluation Form. Do I note any Attitudinal Difficulties? I do not. How do I rate my Partner overall? Very good. Are there any Situations which require Mediation? There are not.